Change of plans

I never planned this to happen. Didn’t even imagine or wanted it to go this way and even as it started happening I was still running away from it. Why? I just didn’t believe that this could turn into something so real. All I wanted was one night of passionate fun. Pure physical satisfaction. Exactly one year ago that’s what I thought would happen: spending one night with you and waving you goodbye in the morning with post-sex messed up hair.

Instead, I found someone who makes me feel alive, who I crave from the deepest parts of my soul. Someone who makes me smile when I see his name pop up on my phone’s screen. Someone whom I have fallen madly in love with for the way he is without wanting to change anything about him. This whole thing feels so natural, comfortable, so relaxing yet very exciting.

I’m generally not a romantic kind of girl but somehow you make me want to tell you just how much you mean to me. How I can’t imagine spending a day without writing you ‘bongu’ or call you a ‘mignun’ at least once a day. Let me try to explain myself a bit better: it’s like I was running around at a high speed, aimlessly without a destination in my mind when suddenly you held my hand that made me come to a full stop. It wasn’t just me who stopped. Every time you kiss me or look into my eyes, I forget that there is a whole world around us. You made the Universe stop. And I can’t imagine doing anything better than standing still with you, holding your hand while the rest of the world is running around in chaos. I know we didn’t arrive to this place in a simple or traditional way but guess what? I think that’s what I like the most. Against all the odds we still arrived here.

I'm so grateful that this didn't go as I originally planned it. Thank you for being as amazing as you are. 

Theory: why do we need to sleep?

This one will be a bit philosophical. I don’t normally do this but the sudden thought I had last night while meditating really got me thinking on such a deep level that it gave me a headache. I haven’t had a ‘thinking headache’ since I was a child.

I remember I would try to understand the concept of time and space in relation to the universe. I was around 12 or 13 when I first remember spending time just thinking about time. I wanted to know where the world begins and ends physically and in-time. Then when I thought I had my answers I asked myself: “But what’s happened before that?” or “What is outside of our galaxy and where is the border of the universe and what’s outside of that?”. Let me tell you, I wasn’t the nerdy kind. I wasn’t interested in physics or maths or even philosophy. At that time I didn’t even know what quantum physics was. I just enjoyed questioning and challenging my imagination. Maybe that was my creativity being born there and then, who knows.

But let’s go back to my provoking thought from last night. The way our brain works fascinates me. The most intriguing part for me is that there is still so much uncertainty, so much to explore, to learn. Scientists and experts still don’t have a black & white answer to why our brains and our whole human beings need to sleep.  What we all seem to agree on (I’m no expert or scientist but a curious individual) is that at some point during our sleep cycle our conscious mind finally shuts up. That little voice in your head no longer throws negative thoughts at you, no longer questions your decisions or brings up possible reasons why you should worry. You stop destroying your own mood. I’m sure you’ve heard about things like ‘You are what you think’ ‘Law of Attraction’ and ‘Positive thinking’ and such. In a very brief nutshell: you get what you’re thinking about. More like how you’re thinking about it. You can call it religion, call it lifestyle, mind-set or whatever you want to call it, I’m not here to argue this part.

My thought last night was this: what if, the reason we all need to sleep and switch off the consciousness is to silence the negativity and stop destroying our chance for happiness? What if the entire universe feeds on the positivity, the good things, the creation of something amazing? I couldn’t find any actual statistics so I will guess a number now: at any point during a 24 hour period let’s say 20% of Earth’s population is asleep and the negativity is on hold. What if this is vital for our survival? If our positive and negative thoughts have an effect on our Universe then I would assume the positive ones would make a better impact for all of us. What would happen if we all stayed awake for 24 hours and let that little voice carry on with the negative talk? Would we notice a difference? What if the entire population would be asleep and I would stay awake? I have more questions but I let you come up with some other ones yourself.

Scratched

“You always have to be right, don’t you? I’m sick and tired of your stubbornness Jason! Every time I have a different opinion you act like a spoiled child.” Amie shouted, forgetting to breathe between her sentences.  

“I act like a child… Are you serious? Who started arguing about which movie we should go and see? I simply explained why your choice would be a waste of time and money.” Jason’s eyes rolled so hard that Amie’s vein on her neck stiffened immediately.

“My god, you are so annoying sometimes! I don’t want to go anywhere anymore.”

“Come on sweetie, don’t be like this. OK, let’s go and watch that lovely, predictable movie then. I just thought you were a smart girl, you used to enjoy the more complicated, thought provoking movies.” His tone was so calming and soothing that you could almost believe he didn’t mean to insult.

“Get the hell out of the house! Right now! Just go, get out!” Tears have started to roll down Amie’s high cheekbones. With a swift movement she wiped them away and swept her fire-red curly hair out of her face.

“You call me childish… You won’t even discuss this. After all this time together you think I don’t know your tricks? You can stop with the act and the fake tears. I love you but this drama has to stop.”

“Drama? I give you drama!” The empty turquoise mug flew across the living room, smashing into pieces on the front wooden door. Luckily for Jason she wasn’t very good at aiming.

“All right, you’ve become a crazy bitch, I’m out of here.” He grabbed his car keys and shoved it into the left pocket of his jeans, regretting his decision immediately as he heard it scratch across his phone’s screen. Amie started running towards this man, whom 20 minutes ago she considered to be the love of her life.

Never before she felt so content and complete with anyone else, only Jason. Even after 3 years with him, she still caught herself daydreaming about his deep dark brown eyes and how he would playfully slap her hand when she touched his gel-sculpted black spikey hair. All of her friends were slightly jealous of the Amie-Jason dream couple: passionate love, beautifully complimenting looks and both aggressively progressing on the career ladder. As she was running towards him with her palm outstretched, ready for some anger ridden slapping, her bright green eyes became narrow and the small lines around her lips got deeper. Jason recognised this look. Get out man, quickly – he warmed himself and slammed the front door behind him before Amie could jump on her prey. He got into his silver BMW, rolled down the rooftop and checked his phone. A tiny scratch was running across the screen where his network was displayed. He let out a relieved sigh and carefully placed his mobile on the passenger seat. He started the engine and without a destination in his mind he pushed down the gas pedal.

               Hey girl. Not going to cinema so I’m free to meet.

               I have wine, come to mine whenever. 

               Drama with J, I tell you later, so angry I want to kill him.

               Oh shit. OK I’m on my way. Bringing another bottle, 

               I think you need it.

After finishing the first bottle, Amie realised that she might have over-reacted and did in fact became a crazy bitch. Hearing her friend’s brutally honest opinion cleared her vision and that unwanted feeling kicked her in the stomach. Her guilt was creeping all the way into her heart. She decided to look at all the notifications on her phone. The 4 missed calls from Jason she rejected in between sipping on her wine, the 1 voicemail message and 1 missed call from a local landline number that was unknown to her. Who uses a landline phone anymore?

You have one new voicemail. Received at 21:04:

               Amie, listen. Please call me back. I’m so sorry I said those things,

               I hope you know I didn’t mean them. I was just…what the..shit!

To listen to this message again press 1. To delete press 2.

Jason’s phone was lying face up on the side of the road, with a completely cracked screen broken into half. It strangely resembled his skull positioned right next to it.

Sweet defeat

If only I could have you next to me right now. And tomorrow. And the day after. I catch myself fantasising about you. About what you would say, how you would laugh, how you would grab my hand and pull me close for a playful kiss. I memorised your eyes, down to the little brownish pattern around your pupils. How I enjoy getting lost in that pattern. Lost and yet feeling at home at the same time. You didn’t do anything to make me feel this way. It’s just you being you. The little things: the way you look at me, the tone of your voice when you talk to me. The smell of your skin on my skin after I meet you. I want more of you. I am physically craving all of you. I don’t want to but the molecules of my body are chasing you against my rationale thinking. You give me 10 minutes, I want 100 more. My desire for you seems to be endless. I’m scared about this state of mind, I prefer to be in control. What have you done to me? I just simply can’t stay cool. I wish you were nearer when you’re next to me, even when you’re hugging me it’s still not close enough. The short amount of time I spend with you makes me recharge to 100% but I want 110%.

I’ve become your addict. The smallest touch of your fingertips electrifies my entire body and my breathing becomes extremely rapid. When your lips caress mine the entire world stops and the universe of you & I emerges. My brain goes blank. My skin shivers. My bones ache from the tension. I stop caring about other people around us, about what they think when they look at us. There is nothing there but our intense moment. I can’t believe I have been fighting against this for so long. But now I lost this battle and this defeat tastes heavenly sweet. 

You are alive

I write. I put my thoughts into the form of written words, adjective-heavy feelings and provoking questions. Why? Because I don’t know any other way to enjoy life to the fullest. The little moments in life, that is. To remember the memories better. Also to contribute to your life experience in some way. You are reading this after all and my hope is that this finds you with an open mind.

Have you ever noticed how many sentences run through your brain each day? Of course you have. At least some of it. Now, imagine if you could record them and then listen back what you’re thinking. I guarantee you’d be surprised to hear the way you talk to yourself.

“No, I can’t do that”

“It’s too difficult for me to do this”

“I don’t think they will like my idea”

“I don’t look so great today”

And so on. How many times do you catch yourself saying:

“Wow I’m amazing”

“I’ve done a fantastic job with this”

“Everyone is going to love my idea”

Not very often? Why not? Why have we programmed our brains to think so negative automatically? Why don’t you believe that you are good enough? More than good enough. You are alive. That alone is tremendous news. Enjoy it!

5 minutes

I feel much better than I did 5 minutes ago because that’s how long it took me to realise that I am actually in charge of my own feelings. Why waste your time reminiscing about the past or daydreaming about the future? When in fact what I only have control over is the now. It comes so naturally to me to give out this advice to others but when I should be telling myself the same thing, the words just get stuck in my throat. They turned into a useless whimper, a squeaky sound instead of forming into a clear-cut motivational speech. 5 minutes. Enough time to reassess your feelings.

How are you exactly feeling right now? If you would need to describe with only 1 word, what would it be? Why are you feeling that way? Without understanding the triggers behind your emotions it is simply impossible to take control over them and steer them into a much preferred direction. Let me give you an example:

You’re feeling angry waiting at the red traffic light. Why are you angry? You question yourself and notice that you’re angry because you’re running late from a meeting. Are you really angry or is it more like stressed out / anxious? You realise that you’re not angry but worried that you might arrive late. So, what are your options? You can’t physically change the traffic lights from red to green. You could drive through the red light which would mean putting others’ and your lives at risk, so clearly that’s not an option. You make a decision. When the light changes to green, you pull over to make a phone call and let them know that there is a possibility of you arriving a little late. Worry disappears and you carry on driving and actually manage to arrive on time.

This is how you take charge of your emotions. Assess your current situation in as much detail as you can; look for solutions; make a decision and your mood will shift.

1.       Assess situation

2.       Solution

3.       Decision

Now it would be the perfect time to use the cliché here “it’s simple as 1,2,3” but I seriously dislike clichés and it’s my decision to not use it. Take charge of your emotions and your life now!

Opening scene

“Why did you have to say that? I told you if we do this your way then we’re both going to be sent away.” Lorna was trying to catch her breath as each word left her lips.

“They never send two people away. It’s only one a day. They are not stupid” Brian took a deep breath trying to calm his rapid heartbeat. “They stick to the rules. They want us to live in fear, to have structure and strict rules.”

Brian was always rebelling. He was sick of following the rules. His attitude got him into trouble more times than you could count on your fingers. But thanks to his excellent, mind-twisting communication skills, he constantly managed to talk his way out of every situation. Not this one though. It was different. Lorna questioning his decisions was not unusual for him. Seeing genuine fear in her eyes however, was terrifyingly new. She had always trusted him, since the first time they met when he was only 7. Today they should be celebrating his 31^st birthday but instead they are hiding out in the basement of an abandoned house that once belonged to his beloved grandparents.

At the age of 31, with no children of his own, he qualified as ‘High Risk Expiry Human’. If he had actually produced any children, it would automatically upgrade him into the ‘Very High Risk Expiry Human’ category. There are too many people living on this planet now. The fast growing of the population has to be controlled. When he met Lorna for the first time back in 2019, everything was much easier. None of this 1-Human per day rule existed or even thought about.