(Un)Wasted artwork Part II

As I place my fingers on the cold handle the door slides open. I take a curious step into this peaceful room and I feel my feet slightly sinking into sand. Within half a second my eyes are investigating the reason behind this unexpected movement and my body relaxes when I realise that I’m not dealing with quicksand. This is dust. Small pieces of stones and priceless dust. The investigation now wants to expand to my surroundings. This place reminds me of a cave yet it seems very luxurious; a hidden palace made of untouchable jewels. I discover empty frames on the never-ending walls. I have a desire to fill them in with art, with the finest only.

Snippets of the past

Glass country (dedicated to my forgotten self)

When I walked through the gates of my New Life leaving the broken soul outside, I was afraid to look at my face and ask: ‘What’s waiting for me here?’ Where have my honoured dreams gone? Dreams that were supposed to be called my future. And why am I laughing at the matt shadows of this sweet pain?

As the fake fire-costume wore off of my shackled soul my mind became the landlord of the immature heart. My shining blindness was replaced by the inner-eye but it arrived too late to see the bleeding wounds inside.

But I’m not going to let my translucent country to be occupied again and I will be standing on top of my glass castle as a winner. This war is ending now without chains and with laughter because I know there is no turning back.

 July 2005

**********

The winner

He was staring at his long gone past with a questioning look and took off his ancient clothes. And nothing else arrived. The dance has now finished, this is it so take off your shoes and go! Your camouflage heart is breaking but be happy and celebrate as you are the hero: you conquered yourself.

 July 2005

**********

He said she said...

If any of the following characters are identified as real-life human beings it is possibly not a coincidence. Names have been removed as I prefer to keep my friends in my life and listen to more of this:

Me: You look a bit tired.

Friend: Look I?

Friend: If I was a gay boy I'd want to be a drag AND queen

Friend: I am so excited I would give my notice if I had a job!

Friend: I think George Clooney is so fit in this movie.

Me: Erm we are watching Mama Mia, he’s not in there

Friend: So? What’s your point?

Friend: What's that place called where you take a shower? Oh yeah a shower...

Me: I really want to meet a Greek guy

Friend: Oh you should've come to church last night!

Friend: Audrey Hepburn, I don't know if she's dead yet, but she will be.

Me: Have you got the Elena stick? (Elena's memory stick...)

Friend to me: Are you gonna put this in your book with all the funny sayings?

Friend #2: What about my boobs?!

 
Friend: Did you like the midget?

Friend #2: Me what?!?      
                              
     

Friend: What happens if I print a picture out on a card?      

Friend #2: You will have a picture on a card!

Me: Did you know that it was the end of the world yesterday?

Friend: Where?

 

Me: I love indian food.

Friend: I love free food.

Friend #2: I love food.

Friend: Finally the Sun's come out and so have I

Me: Where do we go upstairs?

Friend: On the stairs...

Me: I can't date a non smoker.

Friend: Why? At least he wouldn't take your cigarettes.

Friend: I'm not gonna stay out till late.

Me (pointing at a half full bottle of wine): looks like we're staying for a while... a wine while.

Me: Maybe you'll have a cute guy in your course.

Friend: I want to have a gay guy there, so I can have my own gay friend and won't have to borrow yours!

Friend: You should ask him out.

Me: Nooo Why should I?!!!

Friend: He's good looking

Me: But he's young...

Friend: But he can FUCK

Friend: Well she's not ugly but if I was a lesbian she wouldn't be my type

Friend: Are you drinking ice-tea?

Friend #2: Yea.

Friend: Is it cold?

Me: I have so many spots I don't know why

Friend: It's because of your sex life

Me: What sex life?

Friend: EXACTLY

Me: I have to find a way to make loads of money

Friend: You could sell your organs

Friend: I don't remember my password, so do I now create a new account?

Friend: I was gonna go as a sperm but then I had to go to work...

Friend: Do they sell the same size batteries in Spain as in England?

Friend: He's like herpes, you will never get rid of him.

1 step back, 2 steps forward

Wondering what could happen or would happen if I was able to change one moment of my past. A fracture of a memory transforming into the stepping-stone of my shiny future.

By altering one little piece of the events-chain could I create something so magnificent that the crowd around me would freeze for a lifetime? They would become the cold greyness and I would be the blazing red flame hurting the sight of the blind. Faces would be converted into paintings, eyes into mirrors and speech would evolve into a silent movie. I would soak up this vision and believe that what I had done is truly remarkable. Perhaps I would congratulate myself and throw a victory-smile to the negativity that has been trying to sneak into my shadow. After the shoulder patting what’s left for me to do is to unfreeze the ones with the flickering eyes inviting them to take a look around while holding onto the hands of my soul, slowly understanding where the alteration took place.

But I have no power to change what’s already done. I am where I am; I am who I am because the chain is unbroken. Each piece has taught me a lesson, arched a smile onto my face and witnessed me at my worst to become my best. Each memory-scar gave me stronger fighting skills and every moment contributed towards my ability to stand up always one more time more than falling down. So why would I change anything that I can be thankful for? Why would I be wishing to miss out on opportunities that came from behind closed doors? Every lived second was leading me to cross new paths I otherwise would have missed. 

Embrace your past but remember to take your sight off it if you want to be excited about your next step.

He’s just a free spirit.

Standing by the run down reception he’s blurting out grin-widening sarcastic comments and his face doesn’t even twitch. He adds the fifth sugar to his coffee and I tell him he looks tired.

‘Look I?’ he asks and around 2 seconds later his brain registers his words and our hysterical laugh begins. And so does our friendship.

The crazy journey begins with free relationship advice over post work hot chocolates. As the problems get more serious coffee accompanies the cigarette smoke and then the revelation kicks in… please all rise and salute Mr Wine (also known as lets-have-a-coffee). There wasn’t long until I got introduced to Sangria as well and to my surprise it tastes divine even when it’s served in a giant plastic storage box. You might think this is a bit bizarre so I better not mention what went into the juicer for the special cocktails. All I can enclose is that we did turn the Brighton nightlife upside down.

 I however need to emphasise that the strongest foundation here is not the crazy dancing until sunlight but the very beautiful gift we both share: sarcasm. With who else could I have ever invented Slangria? Or see a stranger’s jaw drop when hearing we are famous? Or answering my intercom and complain that the stripper I ordered is not for today? I could carry on with the list but I forgot to add a warning for explicit material.

So this is how it all happened. And now I’m wishing that I could insult him face to face how old he is getting. As we went through the good, the bad, the worst and the ridiculous he became my brother. So my sisterly birthday wish to him is to live in the moment as he always does, keep standing out from the crowd, and I wish him extremely happy moments and a celebration filled with crazy dancing. And the day after if he finds his shoes in the fridge again then I’ll know it was a good night.

Finally, the wisest thing he ever said to me was in my 20^th birthday card:

“Sometimes happiness is in trying other things, something new. However I can’t give you happiness but I can give you some ideas.”

And that’s how I got a pair of handcuffs.