Sweet defeat

If only I could have you next to me right now. And tomorrow. And the day after. I catch myself fantasising about you. About what you would say, how you would laugh, how you would grab my hand and pull me close for a playful kiss. I memorised your eyes, down to the little brownish pattern around your pupils. How I enjoy getting lost in that pattern. Lost and yet feeling at home at the same time. You didn’t do anything to make me feel this way. It’s just you being you. The little things: the way you look at me, the tone of your voice when you talk to me. The smell of your skin on my skin after I meet you. I want more of you. I am physically craving all of you. I don’t want to but the molecules of my body are chasing you against my rationale thinking. You give me 10 minutes, I want 100 more. My desire for you seems to be endless. I’m scared about this state of mind, I prefer to be in control. What have you done to me? I just simply can’t stay cool. I wish you were nearer when you’re next to me, even when you’re hugging me it’s still not close enough. The short amount of time I spend with you makes me recharge to 100% but I want 110%.

I’ve become your addict. The smallest touch of your fingertips electrifies my entire body and my breathing becomes extremely rapid. When your lips caress mine the entire world stops and the universe of you & I emerges. My brain goes blank. My skin shivers. My bones ache from the tension. I stop caring about other people around us, about what they think when they look at us. There is nothing there but our intense moment. I can’t believe I have been fighting against this for so long. But now I lost this battle and this defeat tastes heavenly sweet. 

You are alive

I write. I put my thoughts into the form of written words, adjective-heavy feelings and provoking questions. Why? Because I don’t know any other way to enjoy life to the fullest. The little moments in life, that is. To remember the memories better. Also to contribute to your life experience in some way. You are reading this after all and my hope is that this finds you with an open mind.

Have you ever noticed how many sentences run through your brain each day? Of course you have. At least some of it. Now, imagine if you could record them and then listen back what you’re thinking. I guarantee you’d be surprised to hear the way you talk to yourself.

“No, I can’t do that”

“It’s too difficult for me to do this”

“I don’t think they will like my idea”

“I don’t look so great today”

And so on. How many times do you catch yourself saying:

“Wow I’m amazing”

“I’ve done a fantastic job with this”

“Everyone is going to love my idea”

Not very often? Why not? Why have we programmed our brains to think so negative automatically? Why don’t you believe that you are good enough? More than good enough. You are alive. That alone is tremendous news. Enjoy it!

5 minutes

I feel much better than I did 5 minutes ago because that’s how long it took me to realise that I am actually in charge of my own feelings. Why waste your time reminiscing about the past or daydreaming about the future? When in fact what I only have control over is the now. It comes so naturally to me to give out this advice to others but when I should be telling myself the same thing, the words just get stuck in my throat. They turned into a useless whimper, a squeaky sound instead of forming into a clear-cut motivational speech. 5 minutes. Enough time to reassess your feelings.

How are you exactly feeling right now? If you would need to describe with only 1 word, what would it be? Why are you feeling that way? Without understanding the triggers behind your emotions it is simply impossible to take control over them and steer them into a much preferred direction. Let me give you an example:

You’re feeling angry waiting at the red traffic light. Why are you angry? You question yourself and notice that you’re angry because you’re running late from a meeting. Are you really angry or is it more like stressed out / anxious? You realise that you’re not angry but worried that you might arrive late. So, what are your options? You can’t physically change the traffic lights from red to green. You could drive through the red light which would mean putting others’ and your lives at risk, so clearly that’s not an option. You make a decision. When the light changes to green, you pull over to make a phone call and let them know that there is a possibility of you arriving a little late. Worry disappears and you carry on driving and actually manage to arrive on time.

This is how you take charge of your emotions. Assess your current situation in as much detail as you can; look for solutions; make a decision and your mood will shift.

1.       Assess situation

2.       Solution

3.       Decision

Now it would be the perfect time to use the cliché here “it’s simple as 1,2,3” but I seriously dislike clichés and it’s my decision to not use it. Take charge of your emotions and your life now!